An Open Letter to the High School Couple Who Makeout Under the Bridge Behind My House

Mindy’s fresh outlook on young love. Artwork by Sarah.


“Lovers… That Word Bums Me Out Unless it’s Between ‘Meat’ and ‘Pizza’” – Liz Lemon

Dear Lovers,

According to my Google search, kissing burns approximately 6.4 calories per minute. At the rate we’re going, you can probably cut back one gym session per week and still not be afraid of that large Big Mac meal. Hell, go ahead – get a regular coke instead of diet.

Now listen, I’m not here to spew my disapproval. In fact, I’m a little in awe of your commitment to keep your tongues in each other’s mouths as though you’ll beat the world kissing record (58 hours and 35 minutes, for reference). From behind my wooden shutters in likely the creepiest way possible, I have witnessed you unfazed by cyclists, joggers, groups of joggers, and a family with a pram who’ve suddenly found the ground very interesting to look at.

Often I wonder: Do the five or so trees by this row of houses give that much illusion of privacy? Or are all those tumblr blog’s URLs right? Are we really the Was†ed Y0u†h??

Perhaps I’ll never know.

What I do know is that I’m inspired by your confidence. I know few people who would be as willing as you to participate in over-the-clothes groping under a bridge that parallels (and is slightly visible from) a state highway. Let alone a bridge that is 100% visible from a row of student share houses – I mean, who knows how many times you’ve been instagrammed with #LOL #Ew and  #Younglove ?

I know it’s been the holidays, but I haven’t seen you guys in a while. I’d like to think that maybe you’ve graduated and found a new makeout spot. Like perhaps a major busway, or the pastry section in Woolworths.

Anyway, I hope you’re well, and hope you’re eating enough protein to make up for all those calories you’re burning. Maybe I’ll see you guys on Valentines Day, you know, for old times sake.




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