Dear 33 Year Old Kobi,

if you even begin to resemble what "oldify" predicts we will look like at 60; please end life swiftly.ok thnx.

if you even begin to resemble what “oldify” predicts we will look like at 60; please end life swiftly.ok thnx.

First and foremost: kudos for reaching the ripe old age of the big JC (aka the son of God). I am actually genuinely shocked that you are still alive and not a statistic of alcohol related deaths or dolphin rape.

Kobi I hope more than anything you are broke and unmarried. I really hope you don’t trade in your life ideals for superficial happiness. Even if bloody Ryan Gosling or Fitzwilliam freaking Darcy come striding along DO NOT GET MARRIED. Always remember marriage is just a human construct and that by participating in it your are basically trading in the ideals you supported so openly through your high school years. Marriage  is  not a naturally occurring thing. At some point we (as humans) reach a mid-life crisis (I think I may be there now, in which case you don’t have many years left) and have this biological urge to grab the nearest human and settle down. It is like save me from my depressive overwhelming fear of being alone with myself. I literally found myself patting my dog saying, we will be okay last night. And I hope for fuck sake Kobi, you are ok… unmarried.

I want you to be broke; not in a sense that you are a drug mule prostitute or the mentally unstable homeless transvestite sleeping in a doorway of some nightclub in West End. I just would like it you to be financially insecure enough that as you backpack around Europe you have to squat in 2/3 towns you visit. I suppose if I maintain these low expectations, I will eventually die happy; having convinced myself that my problems are internal and money is not the answer.

At the end of the day 33 year old Kobi, I just don’t want to be one of those 33 year old women who love Jodi Picoult and hate their husband. Can you please make sure this doesn’t happen?

Warm Regards,

17 year old Kobi

PS. I hope turning 18 helped you realize that drinking is less fun when it is legal.

PPS. I really hope you enjoyed your first voting experience; we both know how much you were looking forward to it.


One thought on “Dear 33 Year Old Kobi,

  1. Pingback: Dear 33 Year Old Sarah, | Rad Men

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