Welcome to Adulthood

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Sarah turned 18 on Saturday.

While everyone else of the newly adult clan has been happily sucking at their legally purchased goon because #18 #FIRSTNIGHTOUT #YOLOSWAG, I have been taking a rather different approach. I feel pretty indifferent towards the whole phenomenon. Maybe I am just a pessimistic prat and cannot for the light of me see beyond my Darialistic superiority. But srlsy u guyz. What is the big deal?

Unless you have all been waking up on your eighteenths to your very own fucking unicorns, I cannot figure just what everyone has been eagerly anticipating. The classic reasoning, that you can finally buy your own alcohol and go clubbing to your heart’s desire is beyond me. Let’s be honest, you were probably part of an underage drinking statistic. (Kudos if you weren’t. Or not. You loser.) Why should legality suddenly add any thrill to the experience? And clubbing? Please. I hate people enough without being nudged by their sweaty twerking arses while a heinous soundtrack of house music destroys my eardrums. Personally, I’m more roused by the thought of finally being able to draw penises all over a voting ballot and to buy copies of Pulp Fiction and Girls Gone Wild without a bitchy sales assistant telling me that I can’t.

What is adulthood, besides  taking advantage of an age that your government decides upon? This is what I would like to know. I have been receiving vastly ambiguous signals all of my life. Is it paying your bills on time, wearing a tie and considering the effects of synergy? Is it family planning and responsible consumption of alcohol? Is it not lying when ticking the Yes I am 18/older box when watching an age restricted video on YouTube? Help me out here, because I feel like the human embodiment of Clueless. Like I am Brittany Murphy and you are Alicia Silverman. What even.

Since becoming a legal grown up, I feel less like one and more as if I am stuck up to my knees in a peculiar limbo scenario. Is this what purgatory feels like? I definitely do not have sudden urges to jump onto merry go-rounds at first sight anymore, nor do I have any desire to become financially responsible. I feel more befuddled about my life now than I ever did when trying to grasp the concept of menstruation during sex-ed classes in primary school. AND MY ADOLESCENCE IS ENDING.

If adulthood were to revoke any emotions besides absolute confusion, it would probably just induce the slightest fear. I don’t really know what is happening, or what I am supposed to do; so a natural fear of the unknown is the only ironically calming and logical mechanism of the moment. I never felt like a child, so this is a soothingly familiar zone. Yet the only plausible reaction I can delegate is that of emotion relay, of which you are the currently the victim of. Is now the right time to further apprise you over some scotch? I can buy some now. I can do that while sobbing over just how much I will always love SClub7.

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